Everything happens for a reason...

Today unfortunately isn't a great day. But then yesterday I went to Banbury again so I'm hardly surprised! We were looking at another flat; after securing a really nice one last week we got an email in the week saying that the current tenant had withdrawn their notice to move out. So we had a mini panic! We had to very quickly get back on the internet and find somewhere else. We found one place that looked quite nice but only had one photo of the outside. However it was in a much better location and was only £5 a month more expensive so we decided to have a look.

I wasn't going to go with Rob as I wasn't feeling fantastic on Thursday. But I knew that if I didn't go I'd be more anxious about moving and not knowing what it would be like, and that in itself wouldn't do my health any good. So I went too and saw it for myself. I'm a great believer that everything happens for a reason and this proved it really; the flat was a lot nicer than the previous one. It was perfect. It's a ground floor flat which is great for me, and there are no stairs going down to it unlike the other one. It's bigger and laid out a lot more nicely; we have laminate wooden floors which will be easier to clean. It's more spacious and lighter too and our room is lovely- we've even got a built in wardrobe with mirror sliding doors! We also have a breakfast bar and a little patio which is next to the walkway into town. We're VERY close to town and the train station too. And also we're close enough for Rob to walk or cycle to work, so the extra that we'll pay in rent we'll be saving in petrol.

Physically I didn't cope with the travelling very well unfortunately! I slept most of the way there and a lot of the way back too. Although not far from home my body just snapped and I threw up in Rob's mum's car- whoops! It was quite funny though as Rob had a bit of a panic drive for two miles to the services to clean me up- the way he did it was hilarious, it was like being in a sketch show! Inevitably today I'm really not too well. My heart was going crazy all night, my head was too. I've been getting some horrible muscle spasms which feel like someone is clenching my muscles seriously hard. I feel like I've got nasty flu and am just generally massively exhausted so I'm just tucked up in bed with Tigger lying next to me. She's pretending she's really ill too- she hasn't moved for the last hour or so!



The way I'm feeling has brought out a lot of frustration about having this illness. I would give so much, in fact I'd give anything, just to have one day where I could do something normal and NOT have all this horrible payback. Well, actually I'd give anything to do a lot of things even if I got the payback- there just seems so much that I'm not able to do at the moment. I really do miss the life I had before this all happened. I was really active, always on the go and loving life every single day. Even having it mildly I still managed to have a completely fantastic time; alright I never really did the whole student night life thing at uni, but I joined things like netball and the woodwind group and made some very special friends. I had some wonderful nights in with my house mates, watching films together and having such a laugh. One time we had our own little Christmas which was fantastic. And we also did things like going ice skating in the evening which was just great fun. I'm not saying that I don't have fun or enjoy life now, because I do, but it's a completely different life. It's a life where I have to accept feeling trapped by my body, mainly communicating with people through texting and Facebook. It's a life where I have to make excuses for not doing things when I am so desperate to do them. It's a life of constantly being in intense pain which is just made worse when I try and have a little bit of normality. But the worst part is that nobody can really understand your pain because it's an illness that is so hard to explain. Because you don't look ill, it's so difficult for people to really see how you're feeling because to them, you look fine.

Like I said before though, I'm a real believer that everything happens for a reason. I strongly believe that there's good coming out of all this that's going to help me for the rest of my life. If I have to live with ME then so be it (as long as it's not severe like it is now!) but I know I won't be alone- I've made some truly wonderful friends, strengthened existing friendships, learnt so much about myself, found new interests and most importantly I've gained a lot more understanding towards other people. I'm really determined to put all this negative stuff going on to good use!