Goodbye 2011, hello 2012...

I know I've said before that doing too much really aggravates your ME and makes you feel terrible. I'm currently going through one of those times. I think I've been behaving like I'm better than I actually am sometimes, and lovely at it is at the time it's catching up on me a bit. I'm getting a lot of painful muscle spasms and my legs are going all twitchy which isn't particularly nice, and my head is pounding like mad. But I know why this has happened; we went to the flat viewing in Banbury today which for me was an incredibly exciting and really special thing to be doing. We really liked the flat; it wasn't the biggest but it was big enough for us and was very cosy too. It'll be lovely on a wet and windy evening being inside with all hell breaking loose outside- it sounds a bit grim but I love those times! As soon as we'd seen it we went to the estate agents and took it so it's officially now our first home. Rob has a six month probation period with his new job so we've got six months on our tenancy which will give us time to see how things are going. It feels so weird to think that I'm actually going to be living with Rob; I'm so used to being apart from him despite having him home since uni. In some ways it feels like we've just had a massively long (and very eventful!) holiday and that he has to go back, but obviously that's not the case any more! But it was really important to me to be there today; it's one of those times that doing something massively outweighs the payback.

That's not to say though that by Sunday I'm going to be a bit of a wreck and maybe regretting trying to take on the world! Tomorrow is obviously New Year's Eve. The photo is of Rob and me last year; my ME was just beginning to take a turn for the worse then. I'd been in hospital with what they now know to be my ME, and although I was feeling better I still hadn't fully recovered from it. Obviously this year things are more severe and it became clear I wouldn't be going out! So when you can't go to the party, bring the party to you! Yep, I'm having all my friends over tomorrow evening to see in the New Year with me. I've got my bed upstairs too so I can keep going up for little sleeps (there's no way I'll manage it all on the go). My friends are amazingly understanding though and won't have any problem with it. They'll carry on having fun! As long as I can count down and see in 2012 with everyone else I don't really care about what else happens.

I've been thinking about 2011 a lot over the last few days. Obviously a lot of it for me has been absolutely horrible. If someone had said to me this time last year that 2011 would turn out like it has, I would have either laughed at how ridiculous it was or cried! It's been a huge struggle trying to cope with my illness both physically and emotionally. There have been a lot of tears, a lot of times where I've felt like giving up, months too ill to get out of bed and wondering how much worse it can possibly get. One of the hardest things to deal with has definitely been the disbelief; I really don't want this to sound like I'm getting at people because that really isn't what I want to do- I can understand where they're coming from. I suppose though because I've known how my body has been, it's been really frustrating not being able to explain that to other people. It's felt a lot like I've needed to justify myself, not only to other people but almost to myself too. I've had to convince my own mind that I am genuinely ill and that I can't just ignore it- that won't make it go away. I've had to get past those feelings of feeling so angry at myself for not being able to do what I should have been doing, what everyone else is doing. As for being in hospital, well that was just a bit rubbish really!

However it hasn't been all bad by a long way. I wouldn't say I'm glad to have ME, but I'd be lying if I said that this year hadn't brought some real blessings. Joining AYME was such a massive thing for me; I really do treasure the friendships I've made there, not just because they have ME too and understand what it feels like but also the fact that they are genuinely wonderful people. I've been amazed and incredibly moved at the loyalty and total love of my friends; they're the best ever, and I am so so lucky. I've really learnt to be honest with myself and listen to myself and that's really strengthened me mentally which can only be good. Being so unable to do things has forced me to look for other ways of filling my time, such as writing this blog! And that's been really helpful to me. This has all really strengthened my relationships with many people too, especially Rob. And best of all, the things that I have achieved have meant everything. My biggest achievement of the year has to be qualifying as a teacher; hard as it was, and despite having to go part time, I've done it and that means more than I could ever describe. But there's no way that I'd have got there without the support of people around me so I'm forever grateful!


So even though I'm going into 2012 as a severe ME sufferer, it's fair to say that I'm a lot more prepared for it than I was this time last year. Next year is going to bring a lot of hard times I'm sure, but there are some fantastic things to look forward to- I can't wait!